


simmer

by Chels_ea



Category: Twilight (Movies), Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: F/F, F/M, Female Friendship, Little bit of angst, Rating will change, Romance, Slow Burn, Women Being Awesome, bella goes to therapy, drive ins, mixtapes, people acting like normal high schoolers, sexual content to come
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-03-28
Updated: 2021-01-11
Packaged: 2021-03-01 01:00:11
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 14,910
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23356588
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Chels_ea/pseuds/Chels_ea
Summary: “I hope-” Bella swallowed thickly against the lump in her throat, “I hope you remember this.” She had meant to say to remember her, to rememberthem. But after it left her mouth, she didn’t want to take it back. Because deep inside of Bella there was a child who watched her mother pack her things up in the middle of night for another “weekend away”, the child who had felt awkward calling her father to wish him a Merry Christmas, the child who now reared its head in this desperate moment and prayed that Edward would remember breaking the heart of an eighteen-year-old girl in a shitty town called Forks.“I will.”-Where Bella gets better. She laughs, she has friends, and eventually, she loves again.
Relationships: Jacob Black/Bella Swan, Jessica Stanley/Angela Weber
Comments: 129
Kudos: 258





	1. Let Me Down Slowly

Bella wondered, faintly, when exactly it happened.

Edward was speaking to her, she knew that. And she knew she was supposed to be listening. But as hard as she tried to focus on making out the words being murmured in his low, beautiful voice, all she could do was wonder when exactly he decided she wasn’t worth it. She dropped her eyes. It hurt, quite suddenly and quite badly, to look at him.

“Bella?” Her name, even now, sounded like a lyric on his tongue. “Did you hear me?”

“Was it-” She cleared her throat, “Was it that you didn’t want me? Yeah, I got that bit.”

Was it when she was sleeping one night? Did he watch her while she was draped around him, wishing he could leave without her noticing? Did she say something stupid, one too many times? His patience in her inability to keep up with his two medical degrees and century of knowledge could only hold for so long.

“I'm... tired of pretending to be something I'm not, Bella. I am not human.” She glanced up at him then and saw how perfectly right he was. He was always right. And now, as she searched his face, she couldn’t see a trace of humanity.

Her words were strangled in her throat, caught by the fleeting surety that this would be the last time she spoke to Edward. Her nails dug into her palm. She didn’t want to waste this moment. What can you say to make someone stay?

“I thought you loved me.” It wasn’t enough, but she couldn’t help it.

“I will always love you, in a way.” He told her calmly. His face was devoid of any emotion. When she was little, and she thought of her parents’ brief marriage, she always assumed that things like this ended in anger. She wished that he was angry. She wished that she was angry. “You’re not good for me, Bella.”

Of course.

Of course, she wasn’t.

"I would like to ask one favor, though, if that's not too much," he said. Bella felt her body jerk at that. She stared. "Don't do anything reckless or stupid," he ordered. His tone made her feel hopeful, and she hated herself for it. _He cares, he cares, he cares._

"Do you understand what I'm saying?" He asked. She nodded. “Good. This will be the last time you ever see me. This has gone on long enough. We won’t bother you again.” She startled at the plural, and then realized he meant his family.

Bella had not known that Edward could be this cold, nor would she have thought that Alice would leave without a goodbye. She felt humiliated. The family that she so fiercly wanted to be a part of was abandoning her, and they probably decided it at the fucking kitchen table. She stared at Edward like he was a stranger, and it tore at something inside of her. She ached with it.

“I hope-” Bella swallowed thickly against the lump in her throat, “I hope you remember this.” She had meant to say to remember _her_ , to remember _them._ But after it left her mouth, she didn’t want to take it back. Because deep inside of Bella there was a child who watched her mother pack her things up in the middle of night for another “weekend away”, the child who had felt awkward calling her father to wish him a Merry Christmas, the child who now reared its head in this desperate moment and prayed that Edward would remember breaking the heart of an eighteen year old girl in a shitty town called Forks.

“I will.” She heard him mutter. When she looked up, desperate to see some kind of emotion cracking through his perfect marble face, he was gone.

-

Bella was good at zoning out, which is why she was suddenly confused. She was sitting inside a bathroom stall. It was lunch, maybe? It didn’t really matter. She wondered why she was suddenly pulled from her reverie, when she heard two girls' voices echoing through the bathroom.

“I just miss her. I’m worried about her.” It was Angela. Bella realized she must have heard her name. She desperately tried to zone out again. If she was going to hear people talk about her, she really didn’t want it to be her friends.

“I know, Ang, but it's been _months_.” It was Jessica. “You remember when they found her in the woods? I, like, literally showed up at her house the next day. I was worried sick and she wouldn’t even talk to me.”

“She was in shock, Jess. We have no clue what happened.”

“I know what happened,” Jessica retorted, angrily, “That shithead just left her. In the middle of the fucking woods-”

Bella flinched, and the toiled creaked. She tried to hold her breath, but couldn’t focus around the great wound in her chest. She gasped out.

Bella watched as their feet appeared under the door gap. She knew they would recognize her ratty converse.

  
“Oh no,” Angela whispered, “Bella, honey, I am so sorry. We’re just worried.”

“Bella, would you please talk to us? We know you’re hurting.” Jessica was speaking very softly. It was a tone that sparked more familiarity with a wounded animal than a person.

Bella clasped a hand around her mouth, scared that if she spoke she would sob.

“We’ll go.” Angela said. “Just,” There was a pause while she ruffled around in her bag, “Take this. I’ve been waiting to give it to you.”

Her dark hand slipped a small card under the gap. It was a business card. Then they left. Bella knew that very shortly she would be humiliated, but for now, she could feel nothing but the hurt that their words pulled out of her. _He left her in the fucking woods._

The bell rang, and Bella finally left. She grabbed the card and told herself she wasn’t going to read it. But she saved it. She put it in her back pocket, and itched on the way to class. She tried to zone out again, but she couldn’t help it. Old habits forced her to sit in her classes, listening. Waiting for Jessica’s story about seeing Bella in the bathroom to get around and be repeated back in front of her. To her surprise, or maybe not, she didn’t hear a thing.

Later, when doing laundry, she checked her pockets. She told herself she was on autopilot. She told herself she was startled when she pulled out the card, and that her confusion is what made her read it.

It was a business card for a therapist.

-

"That’s it, Bella!” Charlie’s fist came down on the table. Bella jumped. “I'm sending you home."

"I am home," She mumbled, confused. Breakfast conversation, up to this point, was going smoothly. Or, at least, she thought so. She wasn't even sure that they were having a conversation.

"I'm sending you to Renee, to Jacksonville," he clarified.

Charlie watched with her with equal parts exasperation and helplessness. She felt her face crumple. She wracked her brain for anything she had done wrong. She had kept her grades up, she had cooked and clean and - wasn’t she _useful_ at least?

“What did I do wrong?” She tried to not sound teary, but it was difficult. If she pulled it off, it was just barely.

“Honey, you never do anything! You’re not here, and I-“ Charlie sighed, “I can’t help you.” Bella knew that it took a lot out of Charlie to have a conversation like this, and wondered where it was coming from. How long had he been building up to this?

“Let me, I’ll-” She bit her lip to stop herself from gasping, “Just let me stay.”

Charlie stared at her for a long moment before dropping his eyes. She waited.

“He is not coming back, Bella.” He muttered, staring down at the kitchen table. She was glad that he couldn’t see her face.

“I know.”

“Do you?” He asked. She took a deep breath.

“I’ll go to therapy.” She yanked the words out of thin air and regretted them immediately. She was desperate, but that desperate? To tell a stranger made up stories for an hour? Bella wasn’t a very good liar, and weren’t therapists trained for that sort of thing?

“Therapy?” He said gruffly.

“Yeah, um,” She wracked her brain, “Angela gave me a card for someone.”

“Angela Weber? Are y’all still friends?” He asked.

“Er, yeah.” Now it was Bella who couldn’t meet Charlie’s eyes. There was a brief silence.

“Alright then. Therapy. Give me the card and I’ll call.” He finally said, getting up to rinse out his coffee cup.

“You don’t have to do that, Dad.” She said. She could make the appointment herself. In fact, she was the one who made most of the appointments back in Florida.

“Yeah, I do, Bells. Get to school.”


	2. Roses/Lotus/Violet/Iris

Bella moved through her classes in her typical blur. She did not raise her hand, and the teachers did not call on her. She followed along with the lesson, but just barely. 

Today was different, however, because her stomach churned with anxiety. She felt vaguely nervous about the concept of therapy, but that at least felt far off and distant. She had pushed therapy on her mother enough times to know that booking an initial appointment was a long, drawn-out process. 

She was mostly nervous about seeing Angela and Jessica again. Before yesterday, Bella didn’t know the last time she had spoken to them. She spent the moments in between classes trying to focus, trying to remember things about the girls. It felt like trying to see headlights through a fog. Was Jessica still dating Mike? Did they still hang out with that mean girl, Lauren? Did they all still sit together at lunch- did _Bella_ sit with them? She wanted to be able to say no, surely she would remember sitting with them. But if she was being honest with herself, she had no idea.

Whether or not she sat with them regularly, she was going to sit with them today. Bella had made up her mind. When she thought about what Charlie had said that morning, the wound in her chest started to ache around the edges. She tried to keep her mind from edging dangerously close to off-limit territories, but ultimately, she knew the result of those thoughts- she _couldn’t_ leave. She would have to make a better effort. 

When the bell rang for lunch, Bella went straight to the cafeteria. Determined as she was, she nearly tripped into someone near the double doors.

“Oh, sorry,” she said, looking past him. 

“It’s fine- oh, hey Bella.” It was Mike, she realized, but he sounded nothing like the friendly boy she remembered. He didn’t even make eye contact with her, he just started toward the food lines. 

“Uh, hey Mike…” She trailed off, the sound of her own voice startling her. She had spoken more today than she had for a long time. She worked with Mike, and couldn’t even remember a recent conversation between them. No wonder Charlie was upset. Bella cleared her throat, “Are you okay?”

To say he stopped in his tracks would be an understatement. It was almost comical, watching him whip his head around like a cartoon character. In another life, she might have laughed. 

“Am I okay?” He demanded. She nodded feebly. “Are _you_ okay?” His blonde hair was a little longer than she remembered, and he had lost a bit of his baby cheeks. His question made her pause. Was everyone going to act like this? How was she supposed to respond? Her hesitation made him start to turn away. 

“I’m-” She blurted out, and he paused. “I’m getting better.” He beamed at her.

“That’s great, Bella. I’m glad to hear it.” He ran a hand through his hair, “Where are you sitting today?”

“Er, I think with Angela and Jessica.” Bella bit her lip. He nodded.

“Well, I’ll see you around at work then.” He gave a little wave and walked off. Well, that answered the question about him and Jess dating. If they were together, Bella figured they would sit together at lunch. Even though it was silly, the little conversation gave Bella a boost in her step. She could do this. 

When she turned to search for Angela and Jessica, she found them already staring at her. She squared her shoulders and quickly went over to them. Their faces were openly shocked, and it was becoming clear to her that maybe she sat in the library more often she thought. 

“Uhh, hey, Bella,” Jessica said, dumbfounded. Bella’s face was hot. 

“Can I sit here?” She asked. Jess’s eyebrows shot up, but she nodded. Bella took a seat and waited. Unfortunately, they were clearly waiting for her to speak first. It was hard to find her words. 

“I’m sorry.” She said, finally. “It’s been… difficult. For me. Lately. But that doesn’t excuse that I was a shit friend.” Jessica and Angela exchanged a look, and it spurred her on, “I am trying to get better.” There was a long silence, and then Angela spoke up. 

“I forgive you.” Angela’s voice was soft, and Bella looked at her gratefully.

“Bella,” Jessica said, firmly, “Thank you for apologizing and acknowledging that you have been shit.” 

“Jess.” Angela cut in worth a warning tone. Jessica raised her hand to silence her. 

“Unfortunately, it’s going to take a bit more than that to reinstate our friendship.” She said, formally, but then a smile lit up her eyes.. “You may sacrifice one firstborn or have one sleepover. Those are your options.” Angela rolled her eyes and laughed. Bella had never had a sleepover. She wasn’t that type of girl, she didn’t think. It would be a nice show for Charlie though, and she could always go home sick. Bella tried to smile and hoped that it didn’t make her look constipated. 

“I’ll take the sleepover.” 

-

Lunch passed quickly and mercifully. Jessica supplied most of the conversation, and Angela watched her with an amused smile. Bella noticed that while they wouldn’t draw her into the conversation, they always asked her to elaborate on what she did offer. 

When she left for the rest of her classes, she felt lighter. She still carried herself as if she were fragile, moments away from falling apart, but it was somehow kinder than before. Gentler. 

At some point during her last period, Charlie texted her. 

“Call me when you can.” 

He didn’t often text her, only to ask if she was at the grocery store or work. It immediately filled her with trepidation. Did he change his mind? Did he call Renée? If he told her even a hint about their conversation, she was sure to insist on Bella coming home. The fact that her mother wasn’t calling her over and over again eased her worries a little. Still, when class ended, Bella made a dash for her truck. Once settled safely inside, away from the steady sleet coming down, she called Charlie. He picked up on the third ring. 

“Hey Bells.” He didn’t sound angry, at least. 

“Hey, Dad. What’s going on?” 

“Oh, I was wondering if you worked today?” She heard shuffling on the line, and a door closed. “If not, I was able to get you an appointment for four o’clock.” Bella glanced at the old analog clock on her dashboard. A quarter past three. 

“No, I don’t work today,” She sighed, “But isn't it a bit quick for that? Don’t these things normally take longer.” 

“I’m not too sure, Bella. But today was the soonest availability, and I told her you’d go if you didn’t work.” He sounded stern, but then asked, “Is that okay?” 

“Yeah. Just text me the address.” 

-

The therapist’s office was about ten minutes from the school, which left Bella plenty of time to panic.She confirmed that she had her insurance and copay card about ten times before finally forcing herself to zip up her bag and set it aside. The building was like most in Forks, an old house turned business. The sign out front said, “L. D. Mathers, MD.” It was inconspicuous enough, but Bella was paranoid that someone would see her truck outside the building. Although therapy was normal nowadays, she wasn’t sure she wanted it to get around this small town that she was going. It was bad enough that everyone knew- 

She flinched away from her thoughts at first, but then considered what was about to happen. Bella was sure that Charlie had shared that she _was going through a breakup,_ of sorts. Even if she wasn’t able to share the reality of it all, she was about to have to talk about it. And so, Bella took a deep breath and forced herself to continue her thoughts. 

It was bad enough that everyone knew that she had been found in the woods, and that the Cullens were gone.

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Thanks for the kudos. Each chapter is named after the song it's inspired by. And yes, I did change the chapter count from 10 to 27.


	3. Haze

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is titled after "Haze" by Tessa Violet.  
> Trigger Warning: extremely brief mention of substance abuse, eating disorders, and suicidal ideation. These will be in the context of new patient intake paperwork and nowhere else.

Bella decided, belatedly, to move her truck down the street. She felt silly, but it relieved her of any worry that someone would see her parked outside the therapist’s. It was drizzling, but the walk back was a short-lived distraction. She didn’t pause outside the door, concerned that any hesitation would make her turn right around.

A tinkling of bells rang as she walked in, and she was relieved that it was at least warm. A small velvet loveseat took up most of what appeared to be the waiting room. There were a lot of plants, and an aromatherapy diffuser wafted lavender across the small room. Bella took a seat at the edge of the loveseat and took deep breaths. She wasn’t sure if aromatherapy actually worked, but shit, she’d try it. She eyed the water cooler for a second, which was full of citrus fruit, and considered getting a cup. Before she could make up her mind, a very tall woman appeared from around the corner.

“Hi, are you Bella?” She asked with a bright smile. Bella stood up and took her hand, and the woman towered over her. She was beautiful, with dark clear skin and a graying braid going down her back. She looked too young to have graying hair. She was dressed very simply, in a green sweater and slacks. “I’m Dr. Mathers, but you can call me Lehana, if you’d like.”

“It’s nice to meet you,” Bella said quietly. She followed her down the hall, to a large room that was made up of mostly windows. There were even more plants in here, and another diffuser. This one was carrying something different across the room, but it smelled like what Bella would assume was a relaxing scent. Earthy. There was a larger couch in here, a deep burnt orange. Dr. Mather’s desk was nearly empty, save for a large quartz crystal. When Bella took a seat on the couch however, Lehana didn’t sit at her desk. Instead, she took a seat at an armchair to the side of it. All in all, it was not what she expected from a therapist in Forks. It was more… modern than she was expecting. Eclectic. She was a little worried that the therapist would start talking about astral projection or horoscopes.

“I’ve got a few questions for you before we talk, if you don’t mind?” Dr. Mathers asked.

“That’s fine. Do you need my insurance or billing information?” Bella asked, reaching to pull out her wallet.

“No, you’re fine. Your father already took care of that.” She said, with a nonchalant gesture. Huh. That surprised Bella a bit. But now that she thought about it, Charlie had handled her paperwork when she took her trip to the ER last year. Bella was touched and made a note to thank him later. “Now, I’m going to ask around twelve questions, and I want you to answer on a scale from one to five. One is going to mean that you do not at all relate, and five meaning you relate the most. Three would mean you see that behavior in yourself occasionally, but not that often. Does that make sense?”

“Yes.”

“Great.” Dr. Mathers smiled again. “‘ _I find myself sad most of the time_.’”

“Five,” Bella answered. Dr. Mathers nodded, marked it, and they continued. Most of the questions were pretty predictable, asking about substance abuse or about Bella’s relationship with food. When she asked about suicidal ideation, Bella was firm with her “One.” She would never do that to Charlie or Renée. And, a thought wiggled in the back of her mind, she did make a promise. There was only one question that tripped her up.

“‘ _When I look in the mirror, I see someone with value_.’” The question made the back of her eyes sting.

“I can’t remember the last time I looked in a mirror,” Bella whispered. Dr. Mathers did not react. She just nodded and marked her clipboard. Finally, after a few more questions, she put it aside and took out a small journal.

“Thank you for answering my questions. I know they can be annoying to get through. Now tell me, what brought you in today?” Now that she wasn’t reading off a paper, her eyes were fixed steadily on Bella. She had a friendly gaze, but it was still a little daunting.

“My father is concerned about me. I… went through a breakup, a few months ago. It’s been difficult since then.”

“What exactly has been difficult?”

“Er, nearly everything. My- He- I’m sorry, it’s difficult to talk about.” She stopped, hoping for a reprieve, but Dr. Mathers stayed silent. “Did you know the Cullen family?”

Dr. Mathers smiled blankly, “Actually, I only moved here recently. So no, I never met them.” Bella nodded. She didn’t know if she preferred it either way. It’d be easier to explain them if she had ever _seen_ them, but maybe it’d be alright to start with a blank slate.

“This is actually my first time even really talking about it. Charlie, my dad, is a really great guy, but we’ve never been super close. I started dating Ed- him, when I first moved to Forks, so I hadn’t gotten especially close with anyone before then. I tried today, though, to reach out to some people I had met beforehand. I sat with them at lunch.”

“I’m happy to hear that. Did you spend most of your time with him when you were dating?” She asked. Bella dropped her eyes, and it made it a little easier to have the conversation. The raindrops on the windows and the smell of the oils in the diffuser made the room hazy.

“Yes, most of the time. He was,” She took a deep, shuddering breath, “He was everything. Everywhere. That’s why everything is so hard now. I can’t look at anything and it not remind me of him. I even threw out all of my CDs because all I can hear is what he thought of them.” A sudden thought cut her off, “Is this confidential? Like Charlie won’t her about any of this?”

“Unless you are ever in serious danger of harming yourself or others, this is confidential,” She assured Bella. Bella nodded and thought carefully. She wanted to be as honest as possible, but there was a limit. She didn’t know exactly where the line was, but she was positive that talking about vampires would not bode well in a therapists’ office. It hurt to talk about him, but not as much as before. There was something to be said about self-determination, Bella thought.

“Edward would sneak into my room most nights. When he left, my sheets smelled like him. Charlie… started doing more around the house in the first few weeks. He probably thought it would make things easier for me. I came home one day and he had washed my sheets and cleaned my room. I was hysterical. Not that the smell helped much.“

“Helped what?”

“I have nightmares. Every night. I wake up screaming.”

There was a long, drawn-out silence. Bella didn’t want to break it.

“What did you like to do together?” Dr. Mathers asked. Bella was slow to think of her answer.

“In a lot of ways, Edward seemed much older than seventeen. Things with him were always very… intense. He would play me songs that he wrote on the piano, and we would spend time with his family. His sister, Alice, especially. Sometimes he would watch me read or we would just talk. He moved around a lot, and always had a story to tell. And he was always interested in the little things about my childhood or whatever.”

“You mentioned your father a lot- is your mother in the picture?”

“Yeah, my mom lives in Florida. I used to live with her in Arizona, but moved here last year. She’s beautiful and ditzy. We were more like friends than mother and daughter.” Dr. Mathers nodded, and wrote something in her journal. “She had left my father when I was a baby, and took me. She never really showed me how to deal with something like this. She would just pack up and leave, and then pretend like it never happened. I can’t do that.”

“Can’t pretend or can’t leave?”

“ _Both_. I want to get better. My dad said if I didn’t, he’d send me back to live with her. I think he feels a bit out of his depths but… I don’t want to start over at a new school. And I like living with my dad. And-” Bella’s voice cracked and she forced back tears, “I know that Edward isn’t coming back. I’m not stupid. But I don’t want to leave and I don’t want to live like this anymore.”

Dr. Mathers put her notebook aside. “It takes a very strong person to go to therapy. Even if your dad wants you here, you’re the one sitting here and putting in the work. I’d like to see you once a week for a little while. As time goes on, we can talk about doing less.

“But this next week, I want you to try and focus on what you enjoy. Go to places you’ve never been before, or places where he had never been. Places that are just yours. Try new things. Maybe ask the people you’re sitting with at lunch what kind of music they like. That way when you listen to that music, you think of them instead.” Bella latched onto these words like a life raft at sea. She didn’t want to forget them like she had been forgetting everything else lately. “Oh, and Bella?”

She jerked her head up, “Yes?”

“Maybe you should buy some new sheets.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for the love. (: I think I'm going to change my updates to twice a week while the whole ~pandemic~ is happening. Expect an update on Tuesday- the next chapter will feature Jacob! I'm so excited for Bella to start having fun and experiencing joy, lmao. 
> 
> Comment question: What have y'all been doing during self-isolation?


	4. Do Me a Favour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by "Do Me a Favour" by the Arctic Monkeys.

When Bella stepped outside, the cold air and light rain washed her face clean. She felt awake. She wasn’t sure when she would find herself back in the haze of the prior months, or if she would soon find herself in the numbing pain that now only came during the nights. In any case, she felt like this clarity needed to be taken advantage of. When she finished the walk back to her car, she called her dad. 

“Hey, is everything okay?” Charlie answered without a hello. 

  
  


“Yeah, I was just wondering,” Bella tried to sound casual, “Do you mind picking up a pizza for dinner? I was thinking about picking up some stuff at the store.”

  
  


“Uh, sure, Bells,” He said, clearly surprised. She didn’t blame him. Besides going to the grocery store, she hadn’t exactly been shopping recently. “Did everything go okay?”

  
  


“Yeah, it was fine,” She said. Bella was eager to hang up, but stopped short when she remembered something. “Hey, dad?” 

  
  


“Yeah?”

  
  


“Thanks for handling my paperwork and stuff. I really appreciate it.” 

  
  


“No problem.” His voice was gruff, and he hung up quickly after that. Bella wondered if they were going to continue having more emotional talks, and what that would be like.

Shopping in Forks was nothing like Phoenix. The biggest store here was a Walmart, and it was as good as she was going to get. Logic told her that she could just drive to the Target in Silverdale that weekend and get something nicer, but she didn’t want to wait. Everything felt like it was on a timer.

  
  


She was surprised by Dr. Mathers. Bella wasn’t sure what she expected, but it wasn’t that. Bella was restless for the change that Dr. Mathers had suggested. She was going to ask Jessica and Angela what their favorite songs were. She was going to find some new hobby, and throw herself into it until she hated it. And then she would find a new one. There was new feeling flooding through her, and it was as unfamiliar as it was intoxicating. She was halfway to Walmart before she realized what it was- Bella was  _ angry.  _ More than that, she was fucking furious. 

  
  


Bella had felt in control for most of her life. She was smart and mature. She handled the taxes, meal prepped, and even shampooed the Goddamn rugs. She might have been  _ boring,  _ but at least she knew what was next. Edward had taken that from her. He had made her feel helpless and incapable. It made her blood boil. 

  
  


Although her fingers were now clenched around the steering wheel, her sudden rage had distracted her from the road. She hit the curb with a crunch, and bit out a curse. She slammed on her breaks, and was thrown into the steering wheel. The bench seat of the truck didn’t make for a very secure position. She untangled herself from her seatbelt, bit her lip, and weighed her options. Surely, she had just hit the curb. She could keep driving and not worry. But did all curbs crunch? She huffed and hopped out to check. 

  
  


The drizzle had subsided to a fog as the sun had set. Bella glanced at her truck, but wasn’t too worried. Her ‘53 Chevy had seen many curbs in its day. What really concerned her was the “As Is’ sign that she had mowed down. It was for the two motorcycles in front of her, which appeared- despite their clear inability to run- luckily untouched by her truck. Bella stared at the bikes, struck by a sudden idea. 

  
  


“Hey, you alri-  _ Bella Swan _ ?” A cracked voice called out. Bella peered through the fog and saw a small-framed teenage boy. He looked vaguely familiar, and based by his knowledge of who she was, Bella figured they went to school together. 

  
  


“Uh, yeah, I’m fine,” She looked back at the bikes and decided to act on her impulse. New things. Unfamiliar things. After all, it was the Doctor’s orders - right? “How much for a bike?” 

  
  


If his silence was anything to go by, this boy wasn’t expecting Bella Swan to nearly run up his front yard and try to buy a motorcycle today. 

  
  


“Oh, um, free? Go ahead and take them, I just put them out on the curb anyway.”

  
  


“Thanks. Could you help me get it in my truck?” She asked, “I just need one.”

  
  


“Might as well take them both. See what parts you can salvage.” 

  
  


The boy and Bella struggled to get the bikes into the bed of her truck, but he didn’t complain. She was grateful, and told him so. When she got back into her truck, Bella was a bit concerned that she had bitten off more than she could chew. She didn’t know a  _ thing  _ about motorcycles. She was lucky nothing had ever happened to her truck - she had never even opened the hood. Of course, if anything had actually happened to her truck, she could always take it down to- 

  
  


_ Jacob Black. _

  
  


That was it! She’d take the bikes to Jacob Black, and maybe he’d know what to do with them. At the very least, he might know how much it would cost to repair one. She checked the clock on the dash and made up her mind. She’d take the bikes to Jacob, and get sheets that weekend. If she drove into a city, maybe she’d even invite Jessica and Angela.

  
  


But how was she going to get there… There was no way she could tell Charlie about the bikes, and it wasn’t as if she often spoke about Jacob or La Push. Ultimately, she decided to go with her original line of thought. If something was wrong with the truck, she’d go to La Push. But it couldn’t be anything too bad, or Charlie would come himself to follow behind her. She rang the home phone. 

“Yello?”

“Hey Dad, I think I’m going to wait on the shopping,”

  
  


“Alighty then. You headin’ home soon?” He asked. 

  
  


“Actually,” She tried to sound casual, and thanked God he couldn’t see her telltale blush, “I was thinking about stopping by La Push and getting Jacob to check my oil. I want to go into the city this weekend and go shopping there. Can you tell me his address?” 

  
  


“Oh well, sure, Bells!” He gave her quick directions, and Bella was glad that she was sort of familiar with what he meant by them. It seems that her beach trip last year wasn’t too far from Jacob’s house. “Hey, why don’t I meet you down there? I haven’t seen Billy in a while.”

  
  


“No! I mean,” She laughed nervously, “Why don’t you come with me sometime this weekend instead? My oil check will be quick and I’ve got homework.”

  
  


Charlie agreed readily enough, and Bella finally backed out of the yard and headed to La Push. Bella hadn’t seen Jacob since he had crashed her prom. She tried to ignore the thoughts and feelings that were associated with that particular memory, and tried not to wonder why most of them seemed to anger now. 

  
  


When Bella pulled up to Jacob’s house (“ _ Small red house at the end of the street,”  _ according to Charlie’s instructions), he was already outside. 

  
  


“Bella!” He called out, his white teeth flashing even in the night, “We could hear you coming a mile away!” 

  
  


“Out of the two of us, that’s not really my fault, is it?” She hopped out of the truck, and was immediately surprised by the sheer amount of  _ space  _ Jacob took up. She peered up at him. “You grew.” She said ruefully. 

  
  


“And you’ve…” He inspected her, and Bella tried not to blush, “Gotten even paler somehow.” She shoved him lightly and he laughed. “What brings you to the rez?” 

  
  


“Well,” She walked around the truck and he followed her. He whistled low when he saw the bikes. 

  
  


“Two pieces of junk.” He mocked, but he didn’t sound scornful. “Wow, Bella. You shouldn’t have.” 

  
  


“I was just thinking maybe you could look at them? I can pay you, of course. If you can’t fix them, maybe you could tell me who could?” She asked. He hopped in the back of the truck with ease, and Bella tried not to feel jealous. A mere thirty minutes ago, she had climbed into the back to pull the bikes up. Bella was certain she did not look like  _ that  _ when she lumbered up there. 

  
  


“Oh, I can fix them.” Jacob said, inspecting them carefully, “But it’s gonna be expensive.” 

  
  


“I can pay for parts and labor,” Bella assured him. 

  
  


“I’m not gonna charge you, Bells,” He laughed, “I’m just warning you about the parts.” 

  
  


“Don’t worry, I’ve got my college fund.” She said flippantly and he nodded. “Well, at least take one. It’s the least I can do.” 

  
  


“Let’s get these down to the garage. I’ll work on them there.” He said, opening the bed of the truck. He made a move to grab a bike.

  
  


“Careful! They’re-” She called out, faltering when he swung the bike down with ease, “-Heavy.” He just laughed at her and placed the next bike down. “Um, hey, Jacob? Do you mind if we don’t tell your dad about this? My dad would lose his shit.”

  
  


“Sure, sure. My dad can’t get to the garage in his chair anyway. We’ll be safe there.” He winked at her with a smile, and Bella was floored with her sudden affection for him. She had forgotten how much she genuinely liked Jacob Black. Using her college fund to fix two motorcycles? No worries. Hiding said motorcycles from their fathers? Sure, sure. He was so damn cheerful. Just being around him made her feel better. 

  
  


They wheeled the bikes down to the garage, where Jacob had clearly already set up shop. The car he was building, the reason he had even accepted his father’s proposal to crash her prom, was sitting there. A workbench lined the wall, and random parts and tools littered the floor. There was a bucket in the corner gathering rain from a hole in the roof, and the whole thing sat atop some cinder blocks. It wasn’t much of a workplace, but Bella was aware of the fact that she was being shown something very important to Jacob. They parked the bikes far inside, just in case Billy could see the opening from the house. 

  
  


“Oh, wow, Jacob! Is it finished?” She said, walking over to the car. “What is it again?” 

  
  


“A Rabbit,” He ran his hand down the side, “And nearly. Just have a few small things left.” 

  
  


“Damn,” She breathed, “I cannot  _ believe  _ you built a car.” 

  
  


“Yeah, well, that’s what you get for doubting my mad skills!” He laughed and plopped down in the driver’s seat, the door hanging open. “I’ll probably start on the bikes tomorrow after school.” 

  
  


“Cool, I’ll swing by around 4?” She asked, and then caught his surprised look, “Er, I mean, if you’d like?” 

  
  


“Sure, Bells.” He had dimples, Bella noticed, “You can come by.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder that Bella is ~dealing with things~ and therefore is an unreliable narrator. Should babygirl take things slow and dip her toes into a hobby? Yes. Is she gonna? Lmao. Additionally, I am changing my upload schedule bc damn I cannot commit to twice a week. Let's put it this way: I will be uploading at least every Saturday. Sometimes more, never less. Thank y'all for the feedback!! Comment question: What's your favorite song?


	5. If You Want To

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by If You Want To by beabadoobee.

Bella woke up choking on her own scream, and cut it off with a gasp. Her sheets were wet with sweat. She curled into a ball and hugged her stomach. It was hard to not be annoyed with herself for being surprised. She had hoped that things were going to be different tonight. 

  
  


Charlie knocked quietly on the door and came in. He left a glass of water on her nightstand, and took a seat in her rocking chair.

  
  


“I had hoped that…” He trailed off. Bella nodded, and tried to not let the tears in her eyes fall. 

  
  


“Me too,” She muttered. Charlie was in his uniform and the house smelled like coffee. Mornings were disorienting in Forks. Most months during the school year, the sun didn’t shine through until she had already left the house. “I’ll go ahead and get up.”

  
  


“Take your time. I’m heading in a little early.” Charlie said. 

  
  


“Everything okay?” 

  
  


“Animal attack about 30 miles north of us. They needed extra help, so Ron’s gonna head up. I’ve got to cover for him at the station.” Charlie explained, and headed for the door. 

  
  


“An animal attack?” Bella asked, surprised. In her experience, an animal attack was usually not an actual animal. It was something far worse. A chill went up her spine at the thought of a rogue vampire loose without any kind of protection.

  
  


“Yeah, some locals had reported seeing some bears in the area.” Charlie said, “Then the report of a camper’s body being found came in.” Huh. An actual bear attack then. Bella nodded, and Charlie shut her bedroom door behind him. She glanced at her alarm clock, and saw it was just past five in the morning. She laid there for a little while, listening to Charlie wash his coffee cup downstairs. Now that she had calmed down, Bella realized her dream _had_ been different from the nights before. 

Every night since _\- Edward,_ Bella forced herself to think his name. Every night since Edward had left, she had had the same nightmare. She was alone in the woods. The green of it was eerie, as if it was about to storm. She was desperate, and searched frantically for a way to get out. It was always cold in the dream. Bella would always feel the cold deep down in her bones, as if her blood was freezing solid from the pain of it. But when she woke up, she had sweat through her pajamas. 

  
  


She was still in the woods last night. The light filtered through it’s eerie green, but she did not try to run. She laid down on the forest’s floor and dug her hands in. She was naked, and the ground was cool on her body. But the roots in the dirt were digging into her skin. At first, it was annoying, An itch. And then they were piercing her skin, and stabbing up through her body. Moss was sopping up the blood covering her skin. Flowers were blooming from open wounds. She was on fire from it. It felt like knives and needles were _ripping_ her apart. She screamed and screamed, paralized from tree roots holding her down. She screamed until stems sprouted from her mouth and petals choked her. 

  
  


Bella softly drifted her hands under her shirt and felt her soft stomach. Unpunctured. Her sweat had dried. Nothing hurt now. 

  
  


She heard Charlie leave, and lock the front door. She carefully got out of bed, and made herself a cup of tea. Bella didn’t like coffee much, but tea was fine. This morning, however, it tasted like dirt water. She couldn’t bring herself to finish it, and instead took a shower. She was slow with it, taking her time just because she could. It was lukewarm- Charlie must have taken a shower that morning as well. Bella didn’t mind much, and slowly worked the conditioner through her long hair. 

  
  


Her hair hasn’t been cut since she moved here, and it was much longer than she preferred it. It touched the top of her butt when she stood. She played with the idea of cutting it. When Edward had first left, she had enough of a hard time making herself _wash_ her hair, let alone get a haircut. Therefore, she missed the post-break up bangs that her mother and most of the girls in her school seemed to gravitate towards. In Forks, unless she wanted to get her hair cut in someone’s kitchen or at _Glade’s Glitz and Glam_ , she was out of luck. 

  
  


When the water changed from mild to cold, Bella finally got out of the shower. It was barely six o’clock now, so she went ahead and got dressed. She pulled on a pair of loose jeans, a t-shirt, and a flannel from Charlie’s closet. It was Friday, so she wouldn’t have to pack her shirt for Newton's Olympic Outfitters. She only worked three days a week, unless her and Mike swapped- Mondays, Wednesdays, and Saturdays.

  
  


Bella remembered that she had plans that evening, and hesitated. Should she change? She glanced down at herself to see if she cared about getting motor grease on anything, and then shrugged. She’d be fine.

  
  


She ate a bowl of cereal, and left for school. She was early, but she could look over her homework or read in the meantime. The rumble of her truck made her think of Jacob. Bella found herself actually looking forward to that afternoon. Jacob was so damn nice. He had a sunny disposition, and his russet brown cheeks were always pulled into a smile. He was different from when she had seen him at her prom, and definitely different from when she saw him on the beach- thank God. Bella wasn’t sure what she would do if Jacob was staring at her with puppy-dog eyes like when they first met. 

  
  


Bella wasn’t _blind_ , she could see that Jacob was handsome. He had shot up like a bean sprout, and had the muscles that were associated with easily lifting motorcycles. She liked his hair best. It was long, and dark brown. When she saw him the day before, it was down. It framed his high cheekbones and sooty eyelashes. So, _no,_ Bella was not blind. But she was glad he seemed to be over whatever crush he harbored on the beach. No matter what he looked like, Bella couldn’t imagine seeing someone in that light again. She liked Jacob. She didn’t want anything like that to come in between them.

  
  


-

  
  


At lunch, Jessica and Angela looked much less surprised to see her. They both smiled brightly, and Bella noticed they had left a spot open. 

  
  


“Good, you’re here,” Jessican immediately launched into a speech, “I can’t hangout tonight because I have shabbat at six. Angela can’t do next Saturday because she has her aunt’s birthday. I already asked Mike in Second Period what time you get off this Saturday, and I think we could make it work if you want to?” 

  
  


Bella stared at her blankly. “What?”

  
  


“Can you do Saturday for our sleepover?” Jessica asked impatiently. 

  
  


“Jess means _do you want to_ have a sleepover Saturday?” Angela asked with a smile and pinched Jessica lightly in the side.

  
  


“Oh!” Bella thought about it, “Sure, that’s fine. Like you said, I get off at five, but it should work. Would you guys want to go to Silverdale on Sunday morning? I want to go to Target.” 

  
  


“Oh, hell yeah,” Jess said and Angela nodded. “They have a Chipotle and a Sephora.” Bella’s immediate thought in response was mocking, but she stopped herself. Jessica was being very nice, and it was shitty of Bella to put herself on a high horse over where she wanted to go.

  
  


“Are you okay, Bella? You look a little tired.” Angela asked. 

  
  


“I’m fine,” Bella answered immediately, and then thought about it. She was trying to have friendships. Friendships required _sharing_ and _honesty._ “Actually, I’m kind of tired. I haven’t been sleeping well… I have nightmares sometimes.” 

  
  


“Oh, I’m sorry,” Angela sounded so genuine, Bella was glad she said something. Even Jess’s sympathy pout made her feel a little better. “Could I give you something that might help? I can bring it on Saturday.” 

  
  


“Ooo, say yes!” Jess said, “Ang’s gifts are the best. She gave me a special candle when I kept getting so nervous I’d vom at SAT prep. It worked wonders.” 

  
  


“Oh, sure,” Bella said, surprised. “I like candles.” 

  
  


“It might not be a candle.” Angela said, thoughtfully, “But it might help you sleep better.” 

  
  


“Speaking of, could we have the sleepover at my house?” Bella asked. She had been thinking about it since her appointment with Dr. Mathers. She should try and create new memories at her house. “My dad’s really chill, and he won’t bother us. He’ll probably even go to a friend’s.” 

“Sure!” Jessica grinned widely, showing a cute chip in her tooth.

“Oh, I meant to ask- well actually, I have two questions,” Bella started, “One, and I’m sorry but I don’t know for sure- are you and Mike still dating? You mentioned him.” 

  
  


Angela and Jessica exchanged a look, and Bella wondered if she had made a mistake in asking.

“No,” Jessica said slowly, “Mike and I aren’t dating.” 

“Okay,” Bella nodded, glad the thought had been put to rest, “And second, what’s your guys’ favorite songs?” Jessica looked excited enough to burst, her dark curls bouncing.

“Here we go.” Angela laughed, “You got her started.” 

  
  


“ _Can I make you a mixtape?_ Or a mix CD? Or a playlist, or a fucking _list of songs?”_ Jess demanded, “I already know Angela’s current mix, I can make one for her as well.” 

  
  


“Oh,” Bella gave a half smile, “Sure? Yes, I mean. Yes, please make me a mixtape. And I have a cassette player, for audiobooks, so it can be a tape.”

  
  


“Oh thank fuck, listen? Okay- listen. Cassette culture is not dead. There is a wave of-” Jessica started on a tangent, and Bella didn’t even try to keep up. She put a polite smile on her face and nodded in appropriate intervals. She did notice that Angela was nodding along as well. She, however, did not look like she was faking it. Angela watched Jessica with a fond smile, and even asked questions when Jessica paused for a breath. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for the love! I love getting to know you guys in the comments. What kind of fic do you guys normally read? I pretty much stick to Harry Potter & Star Wars, with the odd Twilight fic thrown in there. Stay safe!


	6. hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have - but i have it

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is titled after "hope is a dangerous thing for a woman like me to have - but i have it" by Lana Del Rey.

  
  


During the drive to La Push, Bella found herself smiling. It was soft, but still genuine. She wondered if it was the sun peeking through the clouds, lunch with her _friends,_ or the anticipation to see Jacob. Maybe it was all three. When she pulled into his driveway, he was waiting outside.

  
  


“Hey, Bells!” Jacob called out, jogging up to the truck. His hair was up in a bun. “My dad’s at a council meeting.”

  
  


“Oh great!” Bella enthused, “No sneaking around.” She had done some serious thinking about it, and while she hated lying to Charlie and Billy, she knew that she wasn’t going to stop with the motorcycles. Besides, didn’t Charlie say that getting in trouble was better than _nothing?_ He had practically asked her to get up to something. Still, she hated the twinge of guilt that came with it. 

  
  


They walked to the garage, Jacob humming all the way. It was lighter outside than it was yesterday, and Bella noticed that their backyard was more of a garden than a yard. She didn’t see grass anywhere. 

  
  


“Oh, what are you growing?” She asked, slowing to a stop. Bella didn’t think Jacob would be the type to garden, and Billy couldn’t get around the yard in his chair- not that he seemed like the type, either. 

  
  


“Mostly vegetables,” Jacob mumbled. He tugged on her backpack strap in the direction of the garage. She didn’t want to pry, but she was curious- and more than a little confused.

“Oh, that’s really cool.” She stayed put against his light tug. “What’s in season?” Jacob sighed and let his bun loose, pulling his hands through his hair. 

  
  


“Sweet potatoes, kale. Brussel sprouts. We’ve got some onions and squash as well. We had some pumpkins, but they’ve been sparse.” His face was rust-red under his tan skin. She didn’t understand why he was embarrassed. Because gardening was effeminate? She didn’t see any flowers that weren’t wild, not that that would matter. 

  
  


“That’s sick, Jake.” She tried to assure him. “I wish I had a green thumb.” 

  
  


“Yeah?” He smiled wryly, and she was glad he didn’t seem to be annoyed with her. 

  
  


“Yeah. I brought a cactus when I moved here, it died within a month.” Bella pouted, and he burst out laughing. It was a nice sound. 

  
  


“How do you kill a cactus?” He was still laughing, but he tugged her backpack again lightly. This time she allowed it, and they headed into the garage. “Those things are indestructible.” 

  
  


“Not enough sun, I guess. Although, I thought it was very poetic at the time.” Bella chuckled at herself and grinned at the sound of it. She had laughed! When they reached the bikes, Bella was in open mouth awe. 

  
  


“Jake! Holy shit! You are amazing,” She marveled. The bikes were no longer bikes. Metal pieces and bolts and things she didn’t understand were scattered across a tarp. They were clearly organized in a specific manner, but she had no idea what it was. She couldn't imagine how long it took to pull the bikes apart.

  
  


“Sure, sure.” He laughed off her compliment but she could see a hint of the blush that he had in the garden. Bella took a seat in the open door of the Rabbit, and watched him get to work. “How was your day, Bells?” 

  
  


“Hmm,” She bit her lip and thought about his question. “Better than… usual, I guess? It was okay. I had lunch with some old friends.” Jacob was attaching bolts to a hunk of metal, and it was satisfying to watch. His long legs were sprawled out on the ground. 

  
  


“Yeah? What are their names?” He asked.

They talked about their friends for a little bit. Bella learned his best friends were named Quil and Embry, and Jake thought he remembered Jessica from the beach trip. Bella privately thought that Quil and Embry were unusual names, but she didn’t know enough about Quileute names to ask. 

  
  


“You know, if Jessica is who I’m thinking about, Quil thought she was really cute. Super curly hair?” Jacob asked and Bella nodded. “Was she into the blonde guy?”

  
  


“Mike, yes. They used to date.” 

  
  


“Used to?” Jake confirmed. “Good news for Quil.” 

  
  


“I’m not too sure,” Bella said, thinking about the way Angela and Jess look at each other. “She may be into someone right now.” 

  
  


Eventually, they lulled into a comfortable silence. Jacob was humming softly, and Bella couldn’t help but feel hope blooming in her chest. Maybe she was going to be okay. 

  
  


“Hey Bells,” Jacob called out softly. 

  
  


“Yeah?” She asked, and he didn’t respond. There was tension in his shoulders now, and Bella grew nervous. She didn’t want him to say anything that would crush the rising hope in her. “Jake?”

  
  


“I started growing vegetables a few years ago.” He said slowly, more to the metal bits in his hands than to her. “My sisters had both moved out.” He fiddled with some wires, and his hair had fallen into his face. Bella ran his words through her head a few times, but couldn’t find the correlation between his statements. He paused for so long that Bella was about to ask, but as soon as she opened her mouth, he continued. 

  
  


“The rez doesn’t have a grocery store. Forks only has one, and it’s across town. It’s like, forty minutes from here. There’s a group that does a community shop, about twice a month for elders and those who can’t get to the stores themselves. But dad…” He sighed and threw down a screw angrily. “He’s stubborn. Says we get all we need from the corner shop, but it’s just shit. Junk.

  
  


“Anyway, he’s had diabetes since before I was born. I don't think he realizes the pressure it puts on me. It’s why Rebecca and Rachel left. They didn’t want to have to be the parent. So I started growing vegetables and cooking dinners. I try to give stuff around the rez if we have extras.” The silence that followed his speech was deafening. Bella didn’t know what to say. She was certain that if he heard any pity in her voice, he would regret telling her this. He finally met her eyes and Bella smiled softly.

  
  


“I took over cooking when I was ten. My mom is…” She trailed off, “I've obviously never had anything like that, but I get what you mean. About being the parent.” Jacob gave a half-hearted lopsided smile. “It’s shit. I’m sorry you’re having to deal with that. But I’m glad you were able to find some good in it... I’m also definitely going to steal a squash on the way out.” She tacked on, trying to get him to laugh. It worked. His laugh broke the tension, and the look he gave her made her heart thud in her chest. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry I missed last week! Hope it was worth the wait. I've been really blown away by all of your responses. Thank you so much for reading.


	7. I Wanna Get Better

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is titled after "I Wanna Get Better" by The Bleachers.

On the way home from Jacob’s house, Bella wished she could turn on the radio. She didn’t know if she would like it, or if it would hurt, but she wished she could at least try. As a test, she glanced at the mess of wires in the center of her dashboard. For her birthday, Emmett had installed a brand new radio for her. Not even a week later, she had used her nails and teeth to rip it out. The gaping hole stabbed at her chest as if it was a knife, and she gasped aloud with the pain of it. She gritted her teeth and focused on the road ahead. 

  
  


She was getting careless with her hope. 

  
  


Charlie was plopped on his recliner when Bella got home - Jacob’s garden squash in her tow. He was watching a basketball game. He flipped the tv off when he saw her, which was unusual for him. 

  
  


“Hey, Bells. How was Jacob?” He asked, far too interested. Charlie had a dinner plate in front of him and a beer.

  
  


“You heat up the lasagna from the freezer?” Bella grabbed his plate and didn’t wait for an answer. She put his plate in the kitchen sink, and placed the squash in the fruit basket. Bella grabbed a piece of lasagna from the casserole dish on the counter. While it warmed up in the microwave, she poured herself an iced tea, determined to make Charlie wait. 

  
  


As much as she was glad her dad cared, Bella was a bit embarrassed. As much as she needed the support of others, she hated how public her quest for a new normal had become. When the microwave beeped, she let out a huff. No matter how this conversation went, she had to at least ask Charlie if she could host a sleepover. So, as much as she wanted to yell out a goodnight and head upstairs, she forced herself to join Charlie in the living room. He had yet to turn the tv back on. 

  
  


“Jake’s good. I had fun.” She offered, before quickly asking, “Do you have any plans tomorrow night?” 

  
  


“I’m not too sure yet,” Charlie answered, “I was thinking about heading to Harry Clearwater’s, if you want to join me. We could invite Billy and Jacob.” 

  
  


“Actually, I was wondering if I could invite Jessica and Angela over for a sleepover.” She peeked through her hair for his reaction. Charlie looked pained. He was clearly warring with the prospect of having multiple teenage girls in his home, versus the hope of his melancholy daughter having friends. 

  
  


“Angela Webber and Jessica Stanley?” Charlie confirmed, and Bella nodded. “Do you think that’s a good idea, Bells?” It took a moment for her to understand what he meant. The only clue was his avoidance of her gaze.  _ Oh. _

  
  


“You mean my… trouble sleeping?” She asked. He nodded, and she sighed, “From what I hear, you don’t do much sleeping at sleepovers. I was also gonna offer them to take my bed and take the couch down here.” She gave a half-hearted smile, “I’ll figure out something.” 

  
  


“Well, alright then. They can come over. I’ll go to Harry’s.” He turned the tv back on. “I might stay the night, maybe we’ll go fishing in the mornin’.” 

  
  


Bella tried to hide her victorious smile by digging into her lasagna. She didn’t want to seem suspicious, but it was a relief to not have Charlie be there. 

  
  


-

  
  
  


Bella’s shift at Newton’s passed by in a blur. She regretted scheduling all of her socializing one after another, but knew that it would look bad to all parties involved if she canceled this sleepover. Before she left the store, she grabbed a rare cup of coffee from the breakroom. Bella didn’t really like caffeine, but she was hoping that not only would it perk her up now, it would help keep her up later in the night. Her conversation with Charlie had been bothering her. 

  
  


Ultimately, she knew she could just be honest with the girls. If she fell asleep and started screaming, she could just tell them she had a nightmare. Maybe she could even suggest watching scary movies. That way, it might be believable.

  
  


She shot Angela a quick text when she got into her truck, letting her know she was off work. Shabbat for Jessica didn't end until nightfall, and there were still a few minutes to go. She knew that Jess would text one of them as soon as she could, so Bella wasn't worried. In the meantime, she stopped by the grocery store and picked up some snacks. 

  
  


Bella threw in what she considered to be "classic sleepover food." She didn't have anything besides movies to go off of, so she grabbed a variety. Classic Lays, frozen pizzas, cookies, etc. She considered sparkling apple juice, but ran it back to the beverage section after a few minutes of thought. Besides a sip of wine during her mother's Presbyterian phase, Bella had never had alcohol. But, as they were seventeen and eighteen, she'd be a fool to think the girls’ never had. She didn't want the prudish connotation of serving sparkling juice at a sleepover. 

  
  


While she was grabbing some Cokes instead, she thought of what Jacob had said in the garage. Bella considered herself to be well informed of current issues, and had noticed that many of her views were considered progressive in this small town. But even then, she had never noticed the lack of grocery stores on her drive to Jacob’s. There seemed to be a fine line between helping a friend and overstepping a boundary. It wasn’t one Bella was familiar with. Ultimately, she resolved to invite the Blacks over for dinner more. Anything more would risk Jacob’s budding trust in her.

  
  


Jessica called once she was back in her truck, letting her know that she had Angela in tow and was headed her way. Butterflies filled Bella's stomach in anxiety, and the now cold coffee that she was sipping wasn’t helping. When she pulled into her driveway, Jessica and Angela waved excitedly from the front porch. Bella steeled herself in for a good evening and grinned back widely. She could do this.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so so much for the feedback! Seriously, every kudos, bookmark, and comment means the world to me. I told myself that if even ten people were reading this, I would keep writing it. I keep surpassing my goals for this fic and it's all due to you guys! 
> 
> Now tell me lads, what's your favorite sleepover food? I haven't had a sleepover in way too long. However, I am married, so maybe every night counts? My husband and I's favorite midnight snack is spicy cocktail sauce and saltines.


	8. Why Am I Like This?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is titled after the song "Why Am I Like This?" by Orla Gartland. Highly recommended.

“Thank fuck you picked up snacks,” Jess grinned widely, unloading one of her duffel bags onto the kitchen counter, “I didn’t bring nearly enough!” 

“Yeah,” Bella laughed and poked a casserole dish that appeared to be kugel. “We might starve.” 

“You can never be too prepared.” She responded, “You should see the rest of my bags.” 

“No,” Angela piped up from the couch in the living room, “You really shouldn’t. I told her there was literally no need for her to bring her hair dye, and she spent like ten minutes listing the reasons why it was a necessity.” 

“You’re like, actively bullying me right now, you know that right?” Jessica yelled with her head in the fridge. She tried in vain to make all of the food fit, before giving up and deciding to leave the cokes on the counter. She gave a little huff and Bella laughed. Bella grabbed one of the offending cokes and went to join Angela. 

She had told the girls that Charlie wouldn’t be home until late, if at all, and they should make themselves at home. They wasted no time at all, flinging their bags into Bella’s room and nosing around the house. Bella was glad that she kept it pretty clean, and that she had the forethought to hide her father’s 5-in-1 shower soap. Something about Jessica gave Bella the idea that she’d never hear the end of that one. 

“So Bella, I’ve got something for you,” Jess said, reaching into her tote bag. She pulled out a small cassette, and Bella’s face felt hot. 

“Y-you didn’t have to do this,” She stuttered and took the pink cassette tape from her. Permanent marker stained the top of it: ’4 Bella-Mix 1’. “Thank you so much.” 

“Duh, no worries! I love making tapes.” Jessica was grinning ear to ear, clearly thrilled with Bella’s reaction. “You mentioned you have a player?”

“Yeah, over here!” Bella put the tape into her dad’s old music player in the corner. It was various shades of brown, and dusty in places she had never thought to dust. It had a record player, tape machine, and radio altogether. Bella had actually never heard it play before, and huffed a sigh of relief when the tape spun into sound with a hitch. The loud, disjointed sounds of guitars surprised her, but the pieces fell into place when she heard an angry girl’s voice yell lyrics over it all. “Girl rock?” 

“G-R-R-L rock.” Angela shouted over the music. “I’ve got that before!” 

Bella adjusted the volume a little bit, then went and sat criss cross in her dad’s lazy chair. “You’ve got this tape too?” 

“No,” She laughed, “I’ve gotten the genre.” 

“My tapes are like horoscopes.” Jess piped in solemnly. 

“More like prescriptions,” Angela poked Jess’s foot that was in her lap, “It’s whatever she thinks you need that time.” 

Bella tried to act nonchalant- while she was new to sleepovers, she figured that tears were a bad foot to start on. Gifts were always weird for her. Growing up, Renee either went way too overboard, afterwards which led to letters from the landlord when rent was late, or gifted her an “IOU” and “girl’s day shopping!” 

This mixtape was one of the most thoughtful gifts Bella had ever been given. And it was given just because Jess thought she “needed” it. 

“I like it a lot.” Bella said. 

“Good!” Jessica laughed, “Now time to play a game!” 

“Jess,” Angela sighed, “We don’t want to scare her off.” 

“I’m sure I can handle it.” Bella said. She was getting the weird sense that she was watching the scene unfold from outside of her body. She was nervous that she was going to say the wrong thing or be annoying, and suddenly she would be back to Phase One in Operation Healing. _Well, that’s not true,_ Bella reminded herself, _I’ve got Jacob now._

Bella took what she hoped was a fortifying breath, “Seriously, I’m down. What game?”

“Bella, I don’t know if you knew this,” Angela said, “But Jessica is a very nosy person. She has created a game that allows her to find out whatever she wants from people.” 

“Hey!” Jess protested, “I’ll have you know, this game is _wonderful_ for getting to know each other!” She shot Angela a half-hearted glare, and then turned to Bella, “Basically, it’s a question game called “Comfort”. We take turns asking questions, and each time someone is uncomfortable and doesn’t want to answer, they lose a letter from “Comfort”. So start with T, end with C, all that.”

“What happens if you run out of letters?” Bella asked. 

“You have to answer the rest,” Jessica shrugged. Bella thought carefully. It’s not like she’d really have to answer anything truthfully. She wasn’t a great liar, but she didn’t think they’d press. Plus, what could they ask that would be that bad? It’s not like Angela was going to bust out with a “ _What kind of supernatural creatures are the Cullens?_ ” 

“Alright then.” She nodded.

“I’ll go first then.” Jessica said, “Angela?” 

“Yes, Jess?” Angela quirked an eyebrow and sipped her coke. 

“What are you looking for in a boyfriend? Like what’s your type?” Jessica asked. Angela sighed with a long suffering grin on her face. 

“Hmm, I’m not sure,” She picked at a thread on her jeans. “Someone cute.”

“Like Tyler?” Jess teased.

“No!” Angela laughed, “Not like Tyler! Just someone who makes me smile. And someone who’s exciting.”

“Really?” Bella asked, she would’ve thought Angela wanted someone quiet like her.

“Yeah,” She smiled a little wistfully, “Someone too big for this town.” 

“I get that.” Bella said without thinking, and both their heads shot to her, and then away, as if they didn’t notice. There was a beat of silence.

“Bella,” Angela said, “Do you miss anyone from your old school?” 

“No,” Bella blinked in surprise, “Not really. I used to miss my mom a lot, when I first got here. Jessica?” 

“Yeah?”

“Why did you and Mike break up?” She asked, hoping through her curiosity that it wasn’t a sore spot. 

“Um,” Jessica adjusted herself on the couch. “Well. Kind of a weird story. We started having sex.” 

Bella’s eyebrows shot up. At no point in Bella’s entire life had she been close enough to other girls, to the point that they discussd their _sex lives_ . Alice, sure, but Edward was her _brother_ , and she’d be too mortified at the thought of Edward hearing about the conversation later in Alice’s thoughts. 

“Oh?” Bella mumbled, and then cleared her throat, “Was it not… nice?” Jessica had a peculiar expression on her face. 

“No, not really.” She said slowly. “I guess it made me just realise, I don’t like boys.” 

Bella tried very carefully to seem nonchalant. Although she was surprised, she didn’t really care. She didn’t want Jessica to regret telling her. Although Bella was basically comatose these past couple of months, she didn’t think she would have missed _that_ in the rumor mill. 

“Okay. Thank you for telling me. Do you like girls?” Jessica relaxed almost imperceptibly.

“Yeah, I think so.” Jessica answered and laid back into the couch dramatically. Bella tried not to laugh at the abrupt change in attitude. “Bella, your turn.” 

“Alright.” 

“Who was your first kiss?” She asked. Bella bit her lip a little, but didn’t mind responding. 

“Edward.” She knew she was going to have to talk about him sooner or later, and she’d rather it be on the easy questions. “But that’s all. We just kissed.” 

Angela seemed a little surprised about that, which in turn surprised Bella. Had Angela done more than kiss? Was Bella just left out on this one? She thought about it, and was sure Jessica and Angela were either eighteen or about to be. She knew, like, figuratively, that a lot of people had sex by the time they were eighteen. But that didn’t mean it was easier to implement that concept into her own life. 

“Angela, have you, um, had your first kiss?” Bella asked, chickening out at the last second. Angela and Jessica giggled at her and she was sure she was blushing. 

“Yeah, I’ve had my first kiss. My first kiss was Mike in second grade.” She winked at Jessica, “Sister wives.” Jessica launched a couch pillow into Angela’s face, and she laughed and batted it away. 

“Bella, if Edward wasn’t like, weirdly religious, would you have had sex with him?” Jessica blurted. 

“You cannot cheat at the game you invented, Jess!” Angela hollered. 

“You wanted to know too!” She protested. Bella was actually shocked into a fit of laughter. 

“Edward’s,” She guffawed, “Weirdly religious?” 

“Isn’t he?” Now Angela was gobsmacked, “Aren’t they all?” 

“ _What_?” Bella tried to stop giggling, “I mean like, I guess they are? Sure?”

“I’ve thought this entire time that they were a cult under Daddy Cullen.” Jessica said. 

“Jessica,” Angela chidded, “Stop. Bella, is Edward waiting for marriage?” 

Bella wasn’t that sure. In the few times the conversation strayed that way, Bella had been under the impression that if she had been a vampire, he wouldn’t want to wait. Something about her being human wanted him to wait until they were married. She gave a half-hearted shrug. “I’m not too sure about specifics, but they are very old fashioned.” 

“Tough luck,” Jess teased, “At least your cell vibrates.” 

“Jessica,” Angela mimed yanking something away from Jessica, “I’m officially taking away your right to speak.” 

“Way to be an oppressor, Ang.” They started bickering, and Bella padded her fuzzy socked feet into the kitchen. She went for a refill, but also to give her face a chance to cool off. Did Jessica mean what Bella thought she meant with that comment? That was something Bella had _never_ tried. She even shied away from the thought of it. 

Before she moved here, she had never thought about her sexuality or anything like that. Since she’s moved her, the only person she thought of… well, he always slept over. On the rare nights he was gone hunting, she was always paranoid he would smell the act on her sheets and be weirded out. 

Or he would think less of her. She had never quite got over his reaction to their first kiss. She had thrown herself at him, and he had physically torn himself from her. There was something about that, beyond temptation of the smell of her. Something that had more to do with being a man in the 1910s than it had to do with being a vampire. 

It was a lot to think about, and she filed it away for later. 

“Bella, are we all sleeping in your bed?” Angela asked from the other room. 

“You guys are,” She called, grabbing a bag of tortilla chips and guacamole. “I’m gonna stay down here.” 

“Dude, there’s literally no need,” Jessica protested as Bella plopped down next to her. “We can all share, or make a palette on the floor up there.” 

“I don’t sleep very well, I’d rather stay down here. I’ll probably just read.”

“You’re going to read all night?” Angela asked, the baffled expression on both of their faces made Bella back track. 

“I’m going to be totally fine,” She insisted, “Please don’t worry about it.” 

“How about,” Jess said carefully, “We pull an allnighter with you. Greet the sunrise, gals.” 

“You do not have to do that.” Bella said sternly, “I’m serious. I’ll enjoy reading.” 

“Cool,” Angela said, “You can read out loud to us. We can watch the sunrise on the beach.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So let's just say that Stephenie Meyer making Bella's favorite song canonically "With You" by Linkin Park absolutely wiped out the few brain cells I had. It took several months to recover enough to write this. You can add that onto the list of "Shit I'm Never Going to Do", right under "Renesmee Imprint". 
> 
> Anyway, I'm very happy to be back and to come back to so much love. Thank you for your patience and support!  
> Part of the humanity that I felt got stripped from Bella, was the right to explore her body and sexuality. She was not allowed and shamed for that with Edward. Part of her healing and growth will include healthy experimentation. And some smut. Cheers.


	9. the 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the song "the 1" by Taylor Swift.

Bella rolled over, annoyed by the amount of noise in the house. Charlie must be watching the news or something, she heard a few different voices. 

“Bella?” A boy said her name, and for a moment, she was in a different life. Waking up to the smell of Charlie’s coffee and the chill of Edward’s embrace. But no, that wasn’t right. And there was no smell of coffee- “Bella, you okay?”   
  


She groaned and opened her eyes, wincing at the sun. She blinked, and Jacob’s face came into focus. Two other boys stood a ways off in the distance, shoving each other and talking. 

“Jake!” She said in surprise. “What are you doing here?”

He laughed, and she looked around, seeing Angela and Jessica asleep on the quilt around her. Bella remembered the night before, how she thought Angela had been joking when she suggested watching the sunrise. But no, the girls stayed up all night with her. They spent the night talking over each other, eating, and laughing. 

At five in the morning, they giggled and shushed each other out the door, to La Push, and onto a quilt from Jessica’s trunk. They must’ve fallen asleep waiting for the sunrise. 

“Hey, Bells, you’re the one who’s passed out on my land,” Jake put up his hands in surrender. 

Bella laughed at the situation, and Angela shifted at the noise. She stretched and gently shoved Jessica, who jerked awake. “What’s up?” She asked blearily. 

“Good morning.” She grinned, “This is my friend, Jacob Black.” She introduced them all, “And this is Jessica Stanley and Angela Weber.” 

“Hey,” Jacob said to the girls, “Did you all sleep here?” He waved over to the other boys, and they started walking over. 

“We were going to watch the sunrise,” Angela said through a yawn.

“Oh fuck, what time is it?” Jess asked and flipped open her dead cell phone. Bella felt a pain of annoyance when she realized she left her own at home.

“About eight, we were just heading to Quil’s for breakfast,” Jacob responded, and a boy who Bella assumed was Quil raised his hand in a wave. Bella gave a wave back. 

“Hey, nice to meet you,” Bella said to Quil. The boy taller than Quil stuck his hand out to shake Bella’s. 

“I’m Embry,” He said. Both boys had long hair like Jacob’s, but Embry’s was in a ponytail. 

“Bella, we’ve heard a lot about you,” Embry smirked, and Quil suppressed a smile. Bella didn’t look at Jacob’s face. 

“Funny, I can’t say the same,” Jessica said, eyeing Jacob with a raised eyebrow. The boys guffawed.

  
  


“Anyway,” Bella said, “We’ve got to get back to my Dad’s before he flips.”

“Sure sure. Before you go, we were just talking about seeing a movie tonight. Do you guys want to come?” Jacob asked Bella, helping her up from the sand-covered quilt. There was a chill in the morning air, and Bella was cold despite her sweater. 

“Well, actually,” Jessica said, shooting Angela a look, “Ang and I were thinking about hitting up the drive-in theatre next weekend. Would that be good for everyone?” 

“Yeah, that’s good for me,” Quil said with a broad smile and wink.

“Okay, then,” Jessica’s smile turned a bit forced.

“Knock it off,” Jake muttered to him, then he turned to the girls, “Bye Bells. Good seeing you, as unexpected as it was.” Jacob’s smile was bright and genuine as he said goodbye to Angela and Jessica, and Bella was happy to see that her different friends were making plans. She’d like for Jacob and the girls to get along. 

Bella waved goodbye to Embry and Quil, and walked with Angela and Jessica back to the car. 

“Bella, who the fuck is that?” Jessica cried out as soon as everyone’s car door was closed behind them.

“My friend Jacob?” Bella asked, confused. 

“Your friend is like, crazy hot.” Angela muttered. Jessica’s eyes glanced at the rearview mirror to look at Angela.

“You think so?” Jess asked. Bella bit her lip trying not to smile. 

“Duh,” Angela laughed, “Do y’all still want to go to Silverdale?” 

“I, for sure, need to go to Target, but if you guys are tired I can go by myself?“ Bella asked.

“No, let’s go! I want to see something besides Wal-Mart for once.” Jess said, and Angela nodded wholeheartedly. Jess popped a cassette into her radio, and started humming along. Bella didn’t recognize the band, but figured this cassette’s theme was some kind of surf rock. Jessica’s cell phone buzzed to life from the car charger, and she promptly handed it to Bella, “Call your Pops.”

Bella flipped open the cell phone and dialed her home. Charlie ended up getting home a little after midnight, and promptly retreated to his room to avoid them. She was sure he was up by now. He answered after a few rings. 

“Hello?”

“Hey, Dad,” She winced, worried that she was in trouble.

“Oh, hey Bella. You headed home?” He asked. He didn’t seem frustrated, thank God. 

“Yeah, we wanted to watch the sunrise and fell asleep,” She explained, “I’m really sorry.” 

“It’s alright,” Charlie responded, “Harry Clearwater called a few hours ago, said some colonizers had washed up on their shore.” 

Bella laughed, “I suppose we did. Still, I should’ve left a note.”

“Well,” There was a muffled sound, like he moved the phone to a different shoulder, “Just don’t run off like that again, alright?” Bella could tell that his relaxed demeanor had more to do with his joy that she was acting like a normal teenager, and less to do with his parenting style. 

“I won’t.” She promised. “I think we’re going to head to Silverdale for a few hours to get some new sheets.” Bella looked over to Jess, and she nodded- either in beat to the song or in agreement. 

“Let me know how much it ends up being, and I’ll leave some money on the counter for you.” 

“Thank you, Dad.” Bella said, touched. 

“Yeah, yeah. Talk to you later, Bells.”

“Bye.” She flipped the cellphone closed and handed it back over to Jess. She turned the radio up a little bit. 

“He took that pretty well,” Jessica remarked.

“Yeah, he’s pretty calm in general,” Bella said. 

“Oh, speaking of calm!” Angela piped up from where she had been dozing against the window, “I almost forgot.” 

She dug around in her purse for a moment, and pulled out a small brown-paper wrapped package. “Here you go,” She smiled shyly and gave Bella the package. 

“Oh, Angela,” Bella whispered and opened it. A little cloth satchel crunched slightly in her hands. It had an embroidered design on it, and was slightly lumpy. Bella brought it to her nose and inhaled. “Lavender?” 

“Yes, and chamomile, vervain, and a few other things as well. And some crystals too. I can make you a list if you have any allergies or are curious.” Angela explained, “Put it under your pillow, and it’ll help with your dreams.” 

“She made me a little jar for when I was struggling last year, and it made the world of a difference.” Jess piped up. Bella carefully wrapped the little satchel back up and slipped it into her messenger bag. She filed away the fact that Jessica had gone through a hard time for later. 

“Thank you so much, Angela. This means a lot.” Bella told her earnestly, “This means both of you have given me incredibly thoughtful things in, like, a twenty-four hour span. You guys really didn’t have to, it feels like my birthday.” 

“Speaking of birthdays,” Jessica asked, “How old is Jacob Black?” 

“I think he’s around sixteen. Which obviously doesn’t matter, considering he’s just my friend.” Bella replied with a slight scowl. 

“Of course it doesn’t,” Angela said. 

“Yeah, of course...” Jess said, “Of course, even if he wasn’t just a friend, that wouldn’t matter much. But seriously, this is the last time I’ll rag you. I just want you to know that if he ever does become more of a friend, that’d be a good thing- kay?” 

“Would it?” Bella muttered, looking at the trees passing by. A slight drizzle had started. 

“I swear, dude. The smile you gave him. It was a thousand watt-” 

“Enough, Jess.” Angela said, tugging Jessica’s pony-tail lightly. She started to braid it through the seat’s head rest, and Jessica fell silent. Bella smiled to herself and hummed along lightly to the radio. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! Thank y'all so much for the support. 100% it's what keeps me updating. If you're liking the story, please leave a comment! I can't tell you how much I appreciate it.


	10. Is This It?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is inspired by the song "Is This It?" by The Greeting Committee

Bella’s new sheets were soft against her skin. The heat was on in the house, and she wore simple pajamas. Despite it being under a pillow, the smell of the grassy herbs and lavender in Angela’s satchel hung in the air. She had taken a shower before bed and was careful with herself. She had brushed and braided her hair, and applied a lotion that she had bought from Sephora that day. Jessica assured her it was in the interest of self-care, but it didn’t take much persuasion for Bella to buy it. She liked the smell. 

Plainly put, Bella was worried. She had spent the entire weekend feeling… fine. Better than fine, even- _happy._ At least she thought she was happy. It was a slow feeling, moving over like molasses. She didn’t want this feeling to end, and wasn’t sure how to make it last. 

She bit her lip and checked her cell for the time. Bella winced at the light and watched the numbers fade into focus. It was a little after ten o’clock. Late for her, but for a teenage boy? 

She texted Jake, “ _You free tomorrow afternoon?”_

He called her almost immediately. She jumped and rushed to answer before the sound woke up Charlie. 

“Jacob?” She whispered.

“Hey, Bells.” His voice was low and scratched on the whisper. 

“Why are you calling so late?” 

“ _This_ is late?” He laughed, but his voice was still hushed. She was willing to bet Billy was already in bed. 

“Yes! That’s why I texted you. It’s the polite thing to do,” She told him.

“Well, Bella, I am very sorry for being impolite,” He said, and she could picture the smirk in his voice.

“Thank you for apologizing,” She rolled her eyes, “Are you free tomorrow after school?”

“Yeah, I’m looking forward to it,” Jake said, “I think you’re going to be surprised when you see the bikes.”

“Really? I hope you haven’t been too busy with them,” Bella felt a bit like she was taking advantage of Jake’s goodwill, not to mention his mechanic skills.

“It’s no trouble at all,” He brushed her off. “I liked meeting your friends today. They seem nice.”

She hesitated, “They are. We…” Bella sighed, “Well, we haven’t hung out much. But, we’re starting to. They’re very nice.” 

“Yeah, well I can see you fitting in with them.” He groaned, and she heard a muffled noise, “I’m sorry for it, but I promised Quill I would ask, does he have a chance in hell with Jessica?” She realized that he was probably laying down as well. Bella tried to not feel weird about it. She had never spoken to anyone like this, besides - well, that was different. Jacob and her were friends. Friends spoke to each other on the phone. Even if they were in bed. 

“Um, what do you mean?” She couldn’t remember his question. 

“Do you think Jessica would want to get to know Quill?” 

“Oh!” A laugh bubbled out of her throat, “Um, no, I don’t think so.” He was silent for a moment, and Bella worried Jacob was offended on behalf of his friend. She was about to say something else, when he finally spoke.

“Right, because he’s too young,” Jacob said. Bella’s stomach felt like it was caught in her throat. She didn’t think they were talking about Jessica and Quill anymore. But they were just friends, right? Maybe she was misunderstanding. She tried to swallow. 

“Er, no.” She cleared her throat, “Jessica isn’t into boys.” 

“Oh,” Jacob sounded surprised and relieved, all at once. She didn’t have a reason to smile, she knew that. But Bella’s lips quirked- just a little. “That’s cool. I mean, that’s fine. I mean, of course, it’s fine, duh but-”

Bella cut him off with a laugh, “I know what you mean. Yeah, I’d consider both Jess and Angela off the list of availability.” She rolled over, and shivered when her braid brushed against the bare back of her tank. 

“And you, of course.” He said. Again, that feeling. Her stomach caught in her throat. 

“And me, of course,” Bella spoke barely above a whisper. 

There was another beat of silence. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow.” He said, finally. 

“I’ll see you tomorrow, Jacob.” 

She snapped her cell closed and flipped over with a groan. God, what was she doing? Bella couldn’t live with herself if she was giving Jacob mixed signals. He was kind, he made her feel better, and he didn’t deserve it. But, she hadn’t truly said anything inappropriate, right? She told him that Jessica wouldn’t date Quill and it wasn’t over his age. That was true. There was nothing technically wrong with that statement. 

But it felt wrong. It had felt like they weren’t talking about that at all, for a moment there. It had felt like they were talking in some code that made her breath catch and her stomach flutter with nerves. 

Her phone buzzed, and she jumped out of her skin. Did he text her? The screen read low-battery, and she felt heat flood her cheeks. She plugged her phone in and threw it off the bed so she wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. 

The buzz had reminded her of what Jessica mentioned earlier. Her joke about… _that_ was so nonchalant. It was a throwaway comment. Was everyone else… touching themselves? Was that something she had missed out on? It made her want to laugh. Edward was so focused on her missing the human experience of a school dance, and they had apparently forgotten about this _other_ human experience. 

She kept her breath as quiet as possible to hear if Charlie was awake. After a moment of silence, Bella started to slowly reach her hands down her body. She didn’t know anything about this part of human life. She tried to move slowly, to give her the chance to find out what felt good. Bella found herself pausing in little spots, dragging her fingertips across her collarbone, pinching her nipples softly over her tank top. They were hard. It felt… nice, but fell short. It felt almost medical. She needed to think about something that made her feel good. 

She didn’t want to focus on a person. Bella wasn’t anywhere near that point. Focusing on sexual pleasure was so far from the realm of Edward, that she could handle it. But if she thought of him, or _worse,_ thought of someone else- she would never bring herself to this act again. So instead, she tried to brush her thoughts aside. She tried to clear her head. Bella thought of hands on her body, the feel of hair brushing her shoulders. Her hands strayed further down, hooking under her waistband. 

Bella gasped slightly as she touched her dark curls. She was wet, just a little. She parted her lips with a few fingers and started to move in slow circles. Her other hand moved to her breast, pulling at her nipple. She thought about that feeling, of her stomach in her throat. She thought about what it might feel like to ride a motorcycle when they were done, the freedom and exhilaration. She thought of warm hands around her waist, hitching her leg up. Her fingers started moving faster. She pictured straddling someone, of feeling small and being moved roughly. _He_ was always so gentle, what must it be like to be rough. The hand on her breast moved up to her throat, holding her breath in her palm. She was approaching something. Something steep, that felt like the butterflies in her stomach had traveled down to the tips of her toes and the stretches of her fingers. She felt like she was rising to meet something electric, and _fucking loved_ the fact that she had got there by herself. She felt on fire. 

She bit down hard on her hand and came.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello, I'm sorry for the wait! I hope I didn't lose y'all. I know how it is when people don't update, but hopefully, you hung in there! I should be back on track for scheduled updates. I don't have a question for you guys this time, just eternal thanks for all your kind words <3


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